sadness, (literally) in a fog, and hope

So my date never happened. It's such a long story that in a nutshell it is: My boyfriend is an illegal immigrant from St. Lucia (I've always known about this but I didn't think it would ever matter because he was in the process of getting his papers and such), on his way up from Florida to visit they did a random search of the Greyhound bus he was on and he got caught, he's now sitting in holding in Buffalo (New York), it's going to cost $5000 to get him out, his older brother is trying to get the money and a lawyer because my boyfriend didn't do anything wrong at all and has never broken the law or been in any sort of trouble in his whole life, and I AM FREAKING OUT!
He was supposed to arrive here on Christmas Eve and call me as soon as he stepped off the bus...that never happened. And he wasn't answering my calls or texts. So needless to say I was a little worried. Fastforward to Christmas...I can barely keep from crying and finally call his aunt and she tells me everything that happened. I cry even more because I feel like its my fault he's there; I'm the main reason he was coming up to New York to visit. But I know that I shouldn't blame myself for what happened and that getting upset about it wont change anything.
I finally got to talk to him yesterday though! He's only allowed to call one number(his brother, the one who's trying to get him out), so they called me on a 3way (pretty awkward lol). He sounded ok actually, he said that everything is going to be ok, and that he's going to call me again soon. I can't wait for that phonecall.

So until them I am trying to keep myself occupied.

Christmas went pretty well, I got almost everything I wanted (: Including some new red lipstick from Benefit! :D I love it!


Also on Christmas, my parents and I went to my aunts house for dinner. I know when I have a boyfriend that being asked for my number by a really hot guy shouldn't make me happy, but it really did...A LOT! No, he's not related to me at all lol but he's my cousin's boyfriends cousin. How complicated is that? But his name is Wajeeh and he's sooooooooo gorgeous. But so is Irvin(my boyfriend). But hey, everyone needs a compliment now and then (;

On Sunday I went to this really nice resort/casino thing not far from my house with my parents and we had a really nice lunch. We left at like 9:30 in the morning and when I walked out the door this is the sight that greeted me!



:D ♥ I adore weak morning light

Then yesterday I did absolutely nothing and it was great. It snowed a ton and it was so pretty that I had to take some pictures.




And today one of my bestfriends from school, Carley, came over for a bit. We ate cheese puffs, sat around and made silly videos, and just generally had fun.
Right now I'm listening to Coldplay, wondering if Irvin will be able to call me, and waiting for my annoying little cousin to get here :P

I love my phone

As i type this i am on my semi-new enV touch cell phone :D Ive had it since october but today my dad agreed to letting me have unmlimited internet access on it...its amazing that a phone can do so much.

Tomorrow is Christmas!!! :D Im beyond excited. I cant wait to let my inner 5 year old out and wake up extra early, run downstairs to my presents, tear off all the wrappings and just make a huge mess...it really is great fun :) what are your favorite Christmas traditions??

On Saturday my boyfriend and I have a date :) its going to be so sweet and fun...i really do like him a lot. ♥

ranting

I've been feeling really inspired lately to take pictures. Over the summer I took a lot but since school has started I really have only taken a few (that I dont even like). I love photography. It's just fun to go around and take pictures, and even more fun when they come out worth something.
Not having time to shoot is really disappointing. Whenever I have the time its either really late at night/early in the morning or I just dont have the will to get my lazy ass up. :P

I really wish my hair would grow out faster. It's getting there, but not fast enough! and I want to lose those last 10 pounds. and I want to have the will to only eat healthy foods. and I want to be able to drink and not feel quilty about it, or end up fat(ter), or end up having a bad reputation. drinking is fun, and it's my choice, so I want people to just let me get it out of my system. I need to let my wild side roam free for a while. I'm sick of being a good-girl.

*prepare for a rant of all the things I want out of life...and to hear some things you normally wouldn't*
I want to graduate high school already! I'm so over it. I want college to be exactly the way I want it to be, I want to find my dream guy(artsy, dark brown hair, dark green eyes, tall, skinny but muscley, can hold an inteligent convorsation, can easily make me laugh, loves me for me and all my faults/oddities, and will be there at the end of the day to spoon with) at said college, I want to love my majors, I want everything to be just the way I want it to be. I want to hook up with my boyfriend and then dump him because dating him is causing me too much stress but I'm a little too horny for my own good at the moment. I want to find a better boyfriend. I want to go back to that saturday night with my best guy friend and let him love me. I want to live in a starbucks-like loft, complete with coffee whenever I want it, served by a hot waiter guy. I want to write. I want to take pictures of everything, all day everyday. I want to get everything I want, when I want it. I want to be a bitch just because I feel like it and not have anyone get mad at me. I want to have a good job that I enjoy. I want to go to New York City, London, and Paris. I want to get 100s in everything. I want everything to be amazing and awe-inspiring.
Is that too much to ask? Yes, it is.

Wonderlands of All Sorts

Today was a winder wonderland here in upstate New York! I couldn't have loved it more. Today was the first big snow we've gotten, and snow is my favorite and my best, so I was thrilled to wake up to it. :D And as I type my parents are putting the lights on our Christmas tree...the holes in the tree make it look like the Grinch x] its making me very happy ! hehe


Christmas time really is the best...everything just feels so warm even though the weather is cold, you score some sweet presents, the food is spectacular, and family makes you feel loved. ♥♥♥♥

My Christmas List:
1) Gift cards for American Eagle Outfitters, Forever 21, H&M, iTunes, Starbucks, and Barnes & Noble <----not all from my parents of course, but from various relatives who can't think of anything else to get me that I would actually like
2) LOLA by Marc Jacobs <----smells sooooo good! :D
3) black converse low-tops
4) Julie & Julia on DVD
5) makeup from ULTA <---I love that they have a mix of normal and designer...I'm growing quite fond of Benefit eyeshadows :)

What's on your list for the holidays??

Another kind of Wonderland that I'm REALLY looking forward to is the new Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland. Have you seen the latest trailer? o_0 IT'S AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhh! haha I seriously cannot wait. Everything about it is so weird and fantastic. x]

Songs that I'm recently obsessed with: Swallowed in the Sea - Coldplay, Death and All His Friends - Coldplay, Strawberry Swing - Coldplay, Viva La Vida - Coldplay, Clocks - Coldplay, Need You Now - Lady Antebellum, Bad Romance - Lady Gaga, Sea of Love - Cat Power, Awake and Alive - Skillet

Everything

Ahhh school, having a boyfriend, and just everything is stressing me out lately. I feel so overwhelmed that sometimes I literally have to step back and take a deep breath. I need to find a way to juggle school, my boyfriend, friends, and my needs all at once, and then I'll be happy.

Last weekend I took the whole Sunday afternoon to just sit and look at colleges. Yes, I'm only a sophmore but I really want to find a school that I love and will do well at so I figure the earlier I start looking the better. I want to major in English and minor in Studio Art (if thats at all possible) and I really want to stay in the northeast. Out of all the ones I researched, Bard College in Annandale-on-Hudson New York, Boston University in Boston, and Dartmouth in Hanover New Hampshire were my top 3. Anyone know anything about them? If so, let me know please! :D Now just to get my GPA up to a 92...89 just isn't cutting it for me.

In school the bright spot of my day is art class. I love creating things, listening to the people in my class talk, and my teacher is amazing. Our latest project that we finished was a kaleidascope of sorts with a color scheme. Mine was cool colors and I love how it came out so much that it's now hanging on my wall in my room (:


I have conformation class every Sunday morning :P I stuggle a lot with religion because honestly I dont think I believe it. So needless to say, waking up at 8 on a Sunday morning to listen to stuff I dont even believe in is pretty annoying. Not to mention that I dont agree with our teacher on ANYTHING. So just to make things at least a little entertaining I question everything and always state my opinion. Todays topic was marriage, so of course gay marriage came up. I have a lot of gay/bi friends, so the topic matters to me quite a lot. According to the teacher marriage is supposed to be between a man and a woman and being gay is a sin. I understand that marriage is special and the whole purpose of it is to produce children, and that traditionally you can only get kids out of a man and a woman. But nowadays, things are SO different! There are so many ways to have children that that's not really an excuse anymore for gays not being allowed to marry. I just think it's wrong to deny someone the basic rights that come along with marriage just because of who they love.

Last night I went to RocknBowl with my friends and it was so much fun! Ahh I love them ♥ they make all my stress go away and just let me be silly.