sooooo bored, but I don't feel like sleeping or doing anything of real importance.
hmph.

):
something better will come along.
and besides,
I'm going to be in college a year from now.

I think that was the closest thing to closure that I'm going to get.
I think you were honest. I really want to believe that you were honest. And I do believe it. I could hear it in your voice.
Your sweet, deep, perfect voice that I'm going to miss hearing more than anything else.
The voice that made any of my days better. The voice that told me I was perfect for you, that you loved me.
The voice that told me you loved me after you took my virginity. That piece of me that meant so much, that I was saving for the perfect one. I'm happy it rests with you.
That moment really was all I could have ever asked for. Everything happens for a reason, and it was supposed to be you. It felt so right, and it still does.
So thank you, I'm sorry you feel the way you do, and I wish you all the best.

well.

He no longer has feelings for me.
Which makes me question if there were any real feelings to begin with. Was it all just bullshit? What was the point of it, if thats what it was?
I think that he's gone back to her.
But who knows.
I just need closure or its going to take me a very long time to truly get over this.
I will be fine no matter what, and I'll mostly get over it. But until I hear from him the real reason behind it all, it will always be in the back of my mind.

merrrrr

No longer upset with him, now I just hate myself. Why did I have to freak out and worry and make myself look like a fool/crazy obsessive bitch?
Shit.
Now everything is going to be messed up.
I just want to see him over break. I hope he wants to see me too......
):

I hate this

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
All of this is my fault.
Why do I do this to myself?
I'm miserable.

these are my insecurities in full bloom.

How could I not be upset?
You kind of disappeared on me, yet expected me to be fine with it.
I'm sorry, but no, I am not fine with it.
Yes, I understand how ridiculously busy you are and how stressed out you are. Yes, I understand that you've got your own issues. Yes, I understand that you're not leaving me.
But no, I do not understand how you have time to update Facebook but don't have time to text me a simple hello. A hello is all I'm looking for. But now you've stopped with the cute names, haven't said 'I love you', and have said little more than a few sentences to me in the past two weeks. All of this after everything that happened that night.
You cannot expect me to take this lightly, and if you do, I have a problem with that. However, I think its more that you just don't understand my point of view. Or maybe you do? I don't know anything anymore.
All I know is that I've never felt like this before. My thoughts have never been completely consumed with just one person's name before. I've never been so determined to keep someone in my life. There is only one other person in my life that I love everything about, and being compared to them is saying something.
I need to find the words so that I can explain myself, and I need you to give me the time.

ohhh hey!

I miss you, blogger, because no one knows about you. I love tumblr, but its a little too well-read if you know what I mean.
you're my place to vent secretly. <3

well hello there

It has been a very long time since I've been on here. I recently got an iphone and for some reason there is no blogger app! ): wahhhh.

This summer has been pretty relaxed. Not much has gone on but nontheless it was amazing. I spent time with all the people that I love and thats all that matters.

Things are changing pretty quickly though. My best friend left for college today, I start my senior year in a couple of weeks, and I have about 6 colleges to go and visit so far. Its that time when I have a lot of important decisions to make and its kind of stressful but still exciting. I'm so ready for school to start its ridiculous.

17

Today is my 17th birthday (:
yayyyyy!

Ohhhh nooooo, I'm taking the SAT in the morning ): I'm nervous.

I've recently discovered tumblr, follow me or something. asunlitday.tumblr.com

Right now I want to go to bed, but I dont. I guess I could use some sleep. These last couple weeks have been so fucking busy, its ridiculous.

This month in general is going to be pretty busy, or just slightly cluttered with important things. Like, for example, tomorrow the SAT. Then its my 17th birthday(YAY), then prom, and then I take my road test.
I'm so nervous for that. I want my license sooo badly. I really hope I dont fail....

weird

I'm in a weird place. I don't really know how to describe it so I guess I wont.

I just want time to stop, or at least pause.

Gone

So, I went ahead and did it; I chopped off the majority of my hair, and I absolutely love it.

oh, and happy Easter! (:

Spring Break

So its spring break. yayyyy? noooooooooo.
I have strep throat ): wahhhhhhhhhhhh! it sucks.
I'm stuck home with my mom (who can be more than a little annoying) with nothing to do but look at college websites and try to decide my future.

My brain still hurts, as well as my throat. Blah.

The good news is that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 came out on DVD the other day. YAY :D I guess that makes up for everything.

On Thursday I'm getting my hair cut and I'm trying to decide if I want to keep it long or cut a few inches off. A lot of its dead and gross, so I'm going to have to cut quite a bit off anyway. So I figure, why not just chop it all off? have it just a little past my shoulders. That'd be nice for summer because it'd be easy and a lot lighter. But then again if I cut that much off before prom I'm worried that I wont be able to do a lot with it on prom.
I think this debate is going to go on right up until Charles puts the scissors to my head.

Meh, I Dunno

I'm slightly stressed out lately. Its about that time to start thinking about what colleges I want to visit and maybe apply to. Its about that time for me to take the SAT and ACT. Its about that time for me to take my road test for my license.

Its about that time for me to explode.

I wish I had something more positive to talk about. On this here blog and in real life. I feel like people are sick of me. I'm slightly negative, slightly boring, and slightly crazy. But I think once the summer gets here I'll be better. Or once I get my license. Part of my problem is that I need to get out and drive myself around, be away from my parents. I'm not completely blaming them, but they're part of my problem.

Ugh.

I really shouldnt be complaining, but sometimes I just cant help myself. But then again one of the main reason's I have a blog is so that I can bitch and complain and not annoy anyone.

I'm so stressed out, and its all my own fault, which is the worst part. I dont feel like doing anything. I just want to do nothing and get good grades on everything. I just want to go to college and live in the city and be alone. People annoy the shit out of me.

Right now I'm supposed to be writing my research paper for English. I just don't want to do it though. Its not like its difficult, but just the thought of putting any effort into anything sounds like way too much. I just want to sit.

lalalalalaaa

Things are alright. No complaints.

I made my schedule for senior year today and I'm pretty content with it, minus the fact that I dont have room for AP Psycology. Thats a bummer, but I'll be ok. Maybe I'll take it in college. Ohhhhh, college. Thank God highschool is almost over.
I also made up all my gym classes and found out that I'm passing everything. Not as well as I'd like to, but I plan on making up for that next marking period. Now that I've talked to my guidance counceler at school I'm ready to start focusing on doing well. yes, I realize that I probably should have been doing that since the beginning of junior year, but for some odd reason I didnt. This is the only year I really havent been stressed out or worried or really concerned about doing all my work. Kind of screwed up. Whateverrrrrrr.


I'm sleeepy. G'night

bloggggging

Well I actually did end up having that snow day. Wooooooo! I spent half of it shoveling, though. I found muscles in my back that I've never used before. It was quite an adventure that made me really grumpy.

I'm very grumpy lately. It takes the littlest thing to put me in a terrible mood. Actually, its a combination of all the little things that happen during my day. But then something that really shouldn't bother me will happen and I become a raging bitch that hates everyone and everything. Its kind of becoming a problem. I think people are starting to hate me for it. My realization of this just makes me even angrier. Its a vicious cycle.

blah

I need to get my shit together. I'm kind of a mess. I want to go back to Italy where I just did whatever I wanted and looked at pretty things.

Its been snowing all day, a day after everything melts. Awesome? NO. Only if we get a snow day. But that probably wont happen

home sweet home...?

Italy was amazing, but still a little chaotic. But for the most part it was the greatest experience of my life. I'm so happy I went and got to see everything that I did.

My favorite cities were Venice, Florence, and Pisa because I thought they were the most beautiful and we all had to most fun there.
I'm pretty sick of guided tours, but the free afternoons that we had were amazing. Even the long bus rides werent bad because the country-side is so beautiful. The grass is a different color and all the trees seem to grow sideways instead of up.

I dont even really know how to describe everything we did. So I dont think I will. but it was amazing and I would do it all again in a heart beat.


***************
Right now I'm still jetlagged and it sucks. I cant decide if I'm glad to be home or not either. I missed being home, but now that I am I wish I wasnt. I miss being on the go and now that I'm not I dont know what to do with myself.

Italy

I'm leaving today :D I'm so excited and nervous but excited. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

downs and ups

My life is so full of ups and downs lately. One day I'll be really angry and feeling shitty and the next I'll be fine and dandy. Its very confusing. I need to find a happy/content medium. Maybe going to Italy will do this for me? I hope so.

the time has come

I'm going to Italy in 15 days. Thats insane. I can't believe it's almost time for me to go.
I cannot wait to leave everything behind for 9 days; its going to be amazing...hopefully.

its...pink?!

Sooooo. I dyed streaks of my hair a purpley-pink color. Making that decision was really spur of the moment. Generally when I do something to my hair its a spontaneous decision that I dont spend much time thinking about. I like doing things whenever I feel like it. Sometimes I feel the need to randomly do something weird, just to add some interest. I get bored with my very boring and predictable life. Maybe next I'll get something pierced? Who knows.

Just as long as I dont lose my collar bones,
then I can feel ok about myself.


I want to take pictures like I used to. Just go outside and snap away at everything. It was fun.

I like how people think that I dont care what people think of me. Because I actually do. About some things.

fuck being sick ):
I just want to be able to breathe properly. Then I'd be alrightish.

Why am I never quite good enough? People have a tendancy of bringing me in, raising me up and then dropping me. I should be used to it by now. But lets not talk about it, I rather keep everything bottled up and then let it all out in a rush, all at once.

I wish I was good at talking. Maybe then things would be better. People are so hard to to talk to though, I feel like they're judging me or like they dont care. So I keep silent.





fuck everyone. except karli.

200 :O

This is my 200 post. Wow. Impressive? Sure.

So far 2011 has been pretty good. Nothing's different, I feel the same about everything, and I hope it stays just as nicely boring. I like boredom, its peaceful. I also like being alone; the silence is amazing.

so now its 2011

Holy shit I cant believe another year has gone by. Did it go by fast, or was it just me?
I dont really have anything to complain about, overall it was generally decent. Some parts were strange though.
Shall we have an overview? I feel like I should because most people probably are. And I want to.
Well.

It started off pretty depressing, with the whole Irvin thing. I dont enjoy looking back on that whole chapter of my life, so thats that. I'm happy that was over by March. March 5, 2010 to be exact.
After that I felt sweet relief, did a musical and made a new best friend.
Then I broke my prom dates heart, turned 16, and went to New York City and had the best time of my life.
The summer was alright, I spent my days doing nothing of real importance. I hung out with old friends and those ones from school. Oh yeah, and I went to the Harry Potter theme park. Another one of those best times of my life. Then at the end of the summer I had a very strange yet awesome time with the boy I may or not be in love with. That was cool I guess.
Once school started it was all pretty boring, aside from that one time I went to a party and made out with those guys. and that really hot 14 year old on Halloween...haaaa.
I found that 11th grade really isnt that difficult. And I also found out that I'm lazy as fuck. I think thats partially Claire's fault. I spend some part of every day with her and I'm fine with that. We keep each other sane and I think we saved each other. If we hadnt become best friends I dont know where I'd be. Probably still secretly hating everyone.
and now its 2011. I'm going to Italy in a month. HECK YES. I'm so excited. and then I guess we'll just have to see (: